Top 6 Worst Kung Fu Animated Movies


(exploding)
(♪ OC ReMix #3202: Together, We Fly) – [Strider] Howdy! Personally, I love kung fu. I grew up training in Wing Chun kung fu, and the Chinese martial arts means a lot to me. So when we get a bunch of sad, nonsense, pigswill rip-offs of “Kung Fu Panda”, a movie that introduced an entire generation to kung fu, it does leave me kind of annoyed and in some cases crazy-ape furious at the idea that a single unknowing grandma might have accidentally bought one of these dreck piles for their grandchild. – Yeah… – [Strider] Anyway, let’s check out The Top 6 Worst Kung Fu Animated Movies. Also, just a big thanks to Squarespace for sponsoring this extra video. Squarespace is a great all-in-one platform for building a beautiful online presence and running your business. In fact, I’ve now set up my website, phantomstrider.com, through them. Feel free to use the link in the description to get 10% off your own website. But anyway, I’ll chat about my website later. Anyway, onto the countdown. Number six… “Kung Fu Bunny”. Presented by the company WowNow. An only slightly better-named company than Vídeo Brinquedo, but slightly more ugly-looking as a tradeoff, I guess. Anyway, WowNow presents us with yet another Uncanny Valley, weirdo space-out flimsily-pretensed as a kung fu movie. Although it may look like a dog’s hind leg and have more flimsy stock music than a YouTube non-copyright library… (Chinese flute music) It may have abysmal lip-syncing, questionable voice-acting, and no story coherence whatsoever, but… – Did you see a really odd monkey wearing a bamboo hat come running by here? – [Strider] Uh… I’m sorry, what point was I trying to make? Oh yeah, I kinda like the main bunny protagonist, but that’s just mainly because I like bunnies. But anyway, back to whatever weird point I was trying to make. Just look at these faces. Truly these are faces only a mother could love. – M-Mr. Desmodos, Sir. We f-found her– – [Desmodos] Where was her, then? – [Strider] And even then I suspect she’d be recommending a serious makeover. The voices are completely disconnected from the mouth movements to the point where all immersion whatsoever is shattered. And when they do move their mouths, it’s just creepy. So the title is named after, in case you hadn’t guessed, this sorry drink of water here. – Do you know me? If you do, please tell me who I am. – [Strider] Who is she? Well, she’s not really sure since she has amnesia, so we mostly just call her “Sister Rabbit” or “Cutthroat Cottontail”– no, wait, now she’s… – I’m Velvet Touch. – Wait, what? – [Velvet (V.O.)] The hidden blade bears the name “Velvet Touch”. – [Strider] No. No, no, no. “Velvet Touch” is NOT the name of a ninja. It’s a name you give to a brothel disguised as a massage parlor. Or an abstract fetish. Both of which sound far more enjoyable and appealing than THIS Velvet Touch. – A velvet rope… – [Strider] You see, it turns out the great mystery is that… Velvet Touch… has the most cliché, typical samurai plot you could possibly imagine. Mountain castle ruler burned her hometown to the gwownd when she was a child, and shock and behold, she is trained as a… not-Kung Fu Panda along the way to get her revenge. – And he burned my home. He burned it to the ground when I was just a child. – Sometimes I just wanna burn it down. Burn the whole school down to the ground. This one’s at the start of the list purely because, as I mentioned, I like the lead character, Velvet, as cliché as she might be. I really get that good-natured “Judy Hopps” “Zootopia” vibe from her, if more cliché and concocted by a nine-year-old who watched too many samurai movies. Conceptually, I just like the idea of a kung fu bunny character. Anyway, “Kung Fu Bunny” is a fascinatingly-mangled fractured molding of “Kung Fu Panda”, Vídeo Brinquedo, a hint of Zootopia, and every cliché samurai movie you’ve ever heard of. But honestly, there’s much worse to come. Let’s press on. – Huh? – I’m Velvet Touch. – Really?! – [Strider] And for number five… “Adventures of Panda Warrior”. Oh, JEEBUS. This one’s such a rip-off of “Kung Fu Panda”, it hurts. Unlike “Chop Kick Panda”, it’s not even trying to do its own take on the premise. It’s just (imitating Rob Schneider)
Rob Schneider badly imitating Jack Black’s voice while we watch a “Foodfight!”-style panda awkwardly bouncing around the screen. Grandma would have been filled with regrets giving this to her granchild. “Adventures of Panda Warrior” is like stamping your foot on a flaming paper bag at your doorstep: you know exactly what you just stepped into, it already smells, and you already regret the unpleasant experience you’ve begun. But you gotta put out that fire somehow, and the extinguisher’s a whole three meters away by the kitchen bench. But I’d gladly forgive hideous animation if the writing is good. If the characters are engaging. Unfortunately, the writing is appalling, and the characters are humdrum, ho-hum rip-offs of every Dreamworks animal ever. What’s more surprising is they managed to talk Tom Kenny into voicing one of these roles. I mean, it does sound like he’s got the emotional investment of a DMV worker… – No way! How dare the Evil Master take control of my marsh like that. – [Strider] …but still, how did they get him to agree to this? I mean, it’s Tom Kenny. Spongebob. The Ice King. Anything with Tom Kenny should make me at least crack a smile. Our “hero”, Patrick the Panda, is pretty irredeemably annoying. When he’s not being cowardly, he’s just a blank slate, used to insert whatever awkward animal exchanges inevitably lead to Patrick being a kung fu hero. His exchanges with characters are incoherent, and (imitating Rob Schneider)
Rob Schneider was definitely not putting his full heart into this voice role. Anyway, this one in particular is something beyond just being ugly. It’s in the territory of being so irredeemably creepy-looking you question if the artist was criminally insane. GAH!!! I mean, just look at this thing. It looks like a rejected “Five Nights at Freddy’s” animatronic that was considered too ghoulish to join the crew. This weird hand monster thing just sums up this movie in a nutshell: garish and gruesome to look at while being slightly creepy with an awkward voice at the same time. (shimmering) – How are you? – [Strider] Like, what did this rip-off achieve in the world? Apart from maybe slight amusement for us right now and probably Saberspark’s viewers, too? But apart from all our ironic amusement, “Panda Warrior” serves no purpose, just causing yet another uncleanable stain on the non-Disney/Dreamworks 3D animated movie industry as a whole. And the fourth-worst kung fu animated movie is… “Legend of Kung Fu Rabbit”. Oh, wonderful. A grungier, less amiable version of Velvet Touch. – I’m Velvet Touch. – [Strider] Interestingly, this one originated in China, as being called “Legend of a Rabbit”, but was renamed in the US to say “Legend of Kung Fu Rabbit”. So… America helped it become more of a ripoff, I guess? The only good part of this one is… I kinda like the background settings a bit more than the others, But sadly, these slightly-prettier backgrounds are filled with constant ghastly, monkey-faced puppet rejects mugging the screen. This isn’t even in the same ballpark as “Kung Fu Panda”. Not even in the same continent. It’s the Chinese port-a-potty version of “Kung Fu Panda”. After Taco Tuesday with no cleanup. The story is, we have a… heavy-set rabbit who is sadly cursed with the fugliest face of all these franchises. And a cartoonishly obnoxious voice to match. And he’s out to fulfill his dying master’s last request. After an hour of forgetting about it. I don’t mind him being heavy-set, but the main character, Fu, is just such an absolutely by-the-numbers typical tubby food-loving stereotype. And unlike Po from “Kung Fu Panda”, Fu gives off no charm at all. In fact, he gives off this sort of anti-charm, as he makes adamantly clear in every scene how he doesn’t want to do kung fu and just wants to be in the kitchen. Fine, be in the kitchen. Just don’t be on the camera. In some writing, you do have the unwilling hero, but Fu here just full-blown refuses to want to be involved in helping others at all. Including his dead master. I can’t stand this bunny. His face is visually appalling and his voice leaves me audiologically disturbed. – Oh no! Mister? Mister? He’s really gone. – [Strider] See, that’s not how you respond to your master dying in front of your eyes. That’s how you respond to discovering the gas station prices went up by $0.06 overnight. Inevitably, with such vastly differently-structured languages, translations from Chinese to English are always gonna be difficult. But this was just a zero-effort translation from what I suspect was an already-lazy script in its original Chinese language, resulting in the old double-rehash. A rehash of a rip-off rehash. In other words, I’d personally skip this one. And the third-worst kung fu animated movie is… “Little Panda Fighter”. Since I reviewed this one already three… four years ago? And it’s since been reviewed by many wittier and funnier people than me. I’ll keep it brief. But you seriously can’t skip over this crumpled mishmash of “Kung Fu Panda”‘s ugly brother Myron. I mean, even just by looking at it you can tell it’s a garbage nine-car pileup. (crashing)
you can tell it’s a garbage nine-car pileup. But interestingly, they actually managed to get the entire 4Kids crew to translate it into English. Like, within the first five minutes I’d heard “Pokémon”‘s Meowth, James, and “Yu-Gi-Oh!”. Which actually made the show considerably more entertaining. As hideous as it remains to gaze upon. – He’s alright. I mean, if you like ’em tall, tough, and muscly all over. – Yeah, you said it. I wish they were googly over me that way. – [Strider] So we can at least say the voice acting’s much more professional in this one. Even if visually it has the appeal of smelly post-workout week-old gym socks. (echoing)
– Gentlemen, please remove your robes and let the battle begin! (cloth flapping)
and let the battle begin! (growling)
and let the battle begin! (whimsical music, rubber stretching) – [Strider] I think this particular scene is so notorious because it so accurately captures that feeling of uncertainty and horror that comes from the Uncanny Valley. You probably already remember this, but just a quick refresher: basically, “Uncanny Valley” is when something is made to look human, but isn’t quite human to our eyes. Psychologically, humans tend to react with (Spongebob screaming)
terror to this, like our reaction to zombies. (tense music and growling) (echoed shouting) (Spongebob screaming) – [Strider] Regardless, “Little Panda Fighter” actually does have a tiny sliver of merit, but it’s purely for its exceptionally not-terrible 4Kids dub. And the second-worst kung fu animated movie is… “Kung Fu Masters 3”. Ugh! Surely you can’t accidentally create animation this hideous. – It’s Horfan, sir! It’s Horfan! – [Strider] Oh, is Velvet back again? Except the story’s so disconnected and frantic that I can’t actually determine if this is a prequel to “Kung Fu Bunny” or they’re just recycling 3D models. The story’s about Velvet’s buddy Polaris. Or is it Oogway? This time, the synopsis can’t even manage to get the name right. The characters in the actual movie seem to call him Horfan, so let’s just call him Horfan. I mean, I assume I can trust the MOVIE with the name of the character. Horfan himself has little memorability, And feels like every clichéd good-natured hero you’ve ever seen. And the fight scenes are just disorienting. (Shouting) (swhooshing) (wood breaking) (wood breaking) (shouting) (wood breaking) – Don’t, Horfan! – [Strider] Even the camera angles are so frantically flipping and dizzying that they make me queasy just watching. (retching) And, of course, these fight scenes are followed up by the never-dated, irrepressible fart joke. (flatulence) (laughing) Seriously? This was made in 2018, and I don’t even remember even liking fart jokes when I was eight. About the only thing I liked about this movie is, well, Horfan’s master, the pig has a good nature and a toned-down performance that manages to be charming even amidst the pug-fugly animation. I’m sorry to say, but this is another case where I found it hard to even determine the story. In fact, the synopsis people at iMDb couldn’t seem to figure it out either. They thought it was about a guy named Oogway having his chi stolen and he has to get it back. but my interpretation was it was about a boy named Horfan being trained by a sacred animal pig master who runs a noodle shop who trains him to take on a warthog who’s getting revenge for his… brother warthog? But is willing to wait because the noodle shop pig owner is a master and he’ll face Horfan in a warthog showdown later? And the pig has popular noodles because he uses the principles of tai chi on his noodles? (exploding) You see what I mean? Anyway, Horfan’s a bore, the master’s okay, but overall, “Kung Fu Masters”‘s settings are humdrum, the characters are a snore, and I could barely keep my interest up for this one. But I did kinda like the pig master’s quote here. – Life is a mirror. You smile into it, and it smiles back. Take it easy. It’s nothing you can’t handle. – [Strider] And before we get to number one, just a couple of quick Honourable Mentions. “Rock Dog”. This one actually isn’t that bad. The animation aesthetic is fairly solid, and apart from a more uneven narrative pacing, “Rock Dog” is okay. All I wanted to point out about this was that this movie has the weird novelty of being a combination of kung fu and rock-and-roll. What a weird combination. “Chop Kick Panda”. I personally think this one gets too much flak. Even if it is a “Kung Fu Panda” rip-off. The animation and voice acting are okay and I actually don’t mind the main characters, either, even if conceptually it’s a rip-off. There’s a unique sense of style to this one that’s smooth and actually had me more entertained than these other rip-offs. Anyway, onto number one. And the number one worst kung fu animated movie is… “The Prodigy”. A.K.A. “The Karate Panda”. Broken voices, broken models, everything here is broken! (crashing)
everything here is broken! There’s too much broken to comprehend here. Also, thanks to my editor, Whyboy of ToonGrin for his review that introduced me to this… unsightly, harrowing schlock-fest. Even just reading the reviews feels more like I’m witnessing the aftermath of a flaming explosive train wreck. (exploding)
of a flaming explosive train wreck. Everyone was horrified on a massive scale trying to console their children over the unfathomable catastrophe they just had to bear witness to. Unanimously, all of us reviewers seem to picture a 90s video game when seeing these dismal graphics. Yet even that feels like a generous compliment. Because I never remember “Sonic Adventure” being this unexpressive and abysmal to look at in the 90s. And I never saw Sega steal game assets from any other people, either. There’s no sense of timing. The fighting scenes are more like watching someone mash two action figurines together. And that also is being far too kind, because at least action figurines obey the laws of physics. Characters’ kicks here will go through each others’ bodies, giving no sense of impact whatsoever. (shouting and swooshing) (panting and swooshing) – [Taller woman] What are you going to do? And JEEBUS, when these things actually try to interact, it’s even worse than when they try to fight. The voice performances are incredibly awkward. – Was that your flute singing into my window? – You will not use my bag of tricks, you little… little minx! Those are my toys! – [Strider] Accentuated further by character models that belong in a “Silent Hill” undead video game. And then we come to our main character’s… …sidekick. The inevitable panda. Except this time, it’s somehow the most annoying panda I’ve ever seen in my life. (sped-up voice)
– She took him to the castle of the Dragon King. You should be more careful. – [Strider] And at this point in my life, that’s against some stiff competition. This panda sounds like R2-D2 got in the shroom closet and started hooking up with the local electrical equipment. I honestly have no idea what accent this is even meant to be. – Yeah, so hungry. It’s hard work watching you fight. – [Strider] It’s part-alien, part-American-French accent? The best we tend to get in these movie rip-offs is a bland performance. At worst, the movies are so insultingly annoying that they somehow lower the quality of life for anyone within a five-mile radius of the screen. And sadly, this one is the latter. (squishing) (sparkling) I mean, doesn’t this expression right here just sum it all up pretty well? – Ahh… An expression that not even a mother could love. The eyes, the finger, the tongue sticking out! I demand to know what came up with this confounded piece of animation. And what could make this any worse? Why, let’s top this cherry on this unfortunately-flavored sundae with poop jokes from our hero. – I think I got a rock in my butt. (flatulence) (chuckling) – [Strider] Moving on! If this is a representation of the endangered panda species, well… – ♪ See my… ♪ vest, see my vest… – [Strider] There’s no contest here. At least “Little Panda Fighter” had redeeming qualities in its amusing-sounding voice acting. Its characters having slightly more personality and vibrance to them. “Prodigy” is just in a league of its own. I personally consider it the worst kung fu animated movie I’ve ever seen. Well, thanks for checking out with me some of these absurdly terrible animated kung fu movies. I hope these movies haven’t hurt kung fu itself for you, though. Or anyone you know. But anyway, as I mentioned, I finally created my own website recently, phantomstrider.com, and honestly, I’ve been wanting to make a website for probably a decade now? But every time I tried, I just got frustrated and gave up halfway. But the Squarespace interface was easy to use and actually made sense. With a little tinkering, I soon had a nice website to display my videos, post logs, and so on. I found their help files really easy to use, too. teaching me how to link to my YouTube videos on my website. You can check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when your site’s ready to launch, You can use squarespace.com/PhantomStrider to save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or domain. And if you feel I missed a particularly lousy kung fu animated movie, feel free to leave your own thoughts in the comments below. And as always, thanks for watching, and I’ll see you next time.

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